Lost Thoughts From Last Sunday

           Today was just another ordinary day.  Awoke at about 7 to hear the rain pounding on the metal roof and the wind whistling through the cracks of the window. My loyal dog Snooky all cuddled up beside me making sure he had more than his share of the bed.  I heard mom stirring around in the room next to me. As I had figured she was up. Hobbling around and getting herself ready to head to church. She loves her church. She loves what it stands for , she loves the people that go there. She has known most of the people there for many years. They are like her family.
          I got up and headed for the kitchen to get the coffee going, her coffee and breakfast are an important part of her day. Her life has been turned upside down the last couple of months due to the horrible pain she has been enduring. I believe she has what is called myofascial pain syndrome. Caused from nerves and overworked muscle.
      Pain or not she really wants to go to church so that means I need to get ready and take her.  I don't mind I like the people and this church and have known most of them my whole life also.  Even though I was gone for many years , coming back and seeing all them again, it was just like I had never left. Yes a few new faces and and a few faces missing.
      I spent most of the day thinking about my life and how I ended up where I am now.  God works in mysterious ways. I think of all the places I could have ended up and yet I am here. Its not a bad thing. I love my mother and I am glad I am here to help care for her. The last couple of years have been a little rough learning to deal with each other and the difference in our beliefs and how we live. Her learning to live with out my dear papa that she spent most of her life with, and me learning to live with someone . Living a simple quiet life. . I sit and watch her at times and realize she isn't going to be here forever and that I need to make every minute of her time here the best I can for her. Question is , how do I do that?  After a few weeks of being with her and not able to have much time for myself , my nerves start twitching , I get grouchy and start being bothered by everything. I get upset with little comments she makes about things I didn't do right or at the right time. It then slowly progresses down hill till we are both upset and its really my fault.
        This is where it began today, small things , satan uses all these little things , they start building up . Sometimes just a little at time till he can make make it into a looming object that seems impossible to conquer.
           Just a note here , I'm not sure where all this is going , I have had an intense struggle today over many things and I have to get it off my chest. So beware   My day started with my questioning my salvation again. Why you ask , let me give you a bunch of the reasons that are swirling around in my head. Then feel free to judge me or pray for me or help me. Its all up to you.  I have been studying love the last couple of weeks. True Godly love not this cheap imitation love of the worlds. I have basically none of these attributes. I tell myself I do but when the rubber meets the road I get 000 . Nothing. I have no ability to love in the Godly way at all. I'm sure some of you have heard of this deal with my car. Over a year of dealing with this guy. I would  rather have my teeth pulled than having to be nice to him. He has involved the whole family in all his ridiculous stories and now they are fighting  among themselves about who is treating him right or not . On and on it goes . What is right. What is wrong , what would Jesus do. Honestly I don't know. Do you let a person rip you off and and go to the next person to do the same. Should I be responsible to tell other, or is that me trying to manipulate.
                   Back to the love study for a bit. Without love for God and for others, our christian life means nothing. I can even be a martyr for the Lord but if I do that without love it mean absolutely nothing. Therefore if I can't have my heart right and love whether I was ripped off or not I am living in sin. Oh but you are secure for eternity. Right? So things like this don't matter. God's grace will cover it . Are you sure? If I made the choice not to love? Ooooooh but I do love ...I would give my life to save someone..sure  but what if they took a couple hundred dollars from you. Then would you be giving or taking life.   I can't love others correctly , what about my love for God? How well do I love him?  Do I really love Him so much I would give my life for Him.? Will I crucify my old self and live in the new life God has given me. I think for sure I would but  then I think of my life. God says if you love me you will keep my commandment. What are Gods commandments?  Ask 1000 different people and get 10000 different answers. Almost everyone of those people will tell you that they are right and if you do it any differently it will lead you into heresy , and you will be misled and go to hell .Maybe not in those words but the actions speak different.  End of story. So is everyone right and just at different stages of their christian lives?  Have some had their  consciences seared so to speak with a hot iron. I know many many people who have worn the veiling for years and now magically they have been enlightened and have no need of it anymore. I don't know if they are right or not. I'm just confused how you can read a scripture and if you work at it long enough you can make it say what you want.  What about divorce and remarriage?  I know a lot of people that are remarried, and living wonderful christian lives, at least what I in my human thinking would consider a good christian.
                What about grace? Its seems that it is being used as a set of overalls, it doesn't matter what you get into or where you go because you are covered and it won't harm you. I do believe in Gods grace but the abuse of grace I find close to blasphemy . Probably to strong a statement, but I am sick of seeing people live whatever way they like and just cover the rest with grace.
               Is it ok to drink ? Oh yes of course we should all have a glass of wine once in a while.  Maybe next week we can have pizza and beer after the bible study. See what I mean. I just saw a deal the other day called pubagetics. Bible study at the pub. I think thats just great . Maybe we could throw in a special smoking room to for the smokers. Does anyone think about appearance to the people who are not saved. Just wondering where do you draw the line?  How much time is spent trying to make rules that keep us safe from the influences of satan. Wouldn't it be better to learn to love God and follow His leading?
             To tell you the truth either way you go with this thinking it doesn't seem right.  How long can I make excuses over things I do and cover them with grace and call myself a christian. Or how many rules can I possibly make before I can finally please God.  Then of course we could always say that God has chosen us and so it doesn't matter what happens because we were chosen and we can not fail.
                 I have to get into the word alone because all these teachings and ideas that I hear from everywhere are nothing until we know how to love. Period. If I truly love someone do I question everything they ask me to do? Do I only do the bear minimum of what they ask? Do I pick out only the things that I want to do?  Jesus said seek ye first the kingdom of heaven. I can't say that anything I do in this life could be considered to be seeking first the kingdom of heaven. Do I have a strong desire everyday to spend hours in the Word of God and in prayer to Him and listening for His voice.  My fallen nature would rather play words with friends. Or watch a movie or something like that.  DO I know how to love God truly ? NO. Is that all covered in grace and I shouldn't worry about it. I don't know but it doesn't seem right to me.
                These are some questions I have running around in my head . Every one has their own interpretation. Who is right ? I don't have an answer for that. Do I need to show love to absolutely everyone ?  yes I do.  What constitutes the church ? The body of Christ ? Is it the Mennonites, the Baptists, the Lutherans. Or are we all Gods children following Gods leading down different paths but all going to the same destination .
          Maybe just a little frustrated today. God is very real and only He can teach me to love correctly. Lets all pray for each other that we can learn to love and stop all the accusations, I want to find peace. God gives me peace when I abide in His love .  Acceptance , of differences of opinion, and a mutual understanding of Gods word and the path God has for each of us personally.    
                                           Finding God's will for me a step at a time.   Lets grow together