Who Knew ?

 I know its been close to are week since I last wrote . I could probably go on for a couple more pages about showing love to people, but on to other things for now.  I've started trying to live or experience God and His love not just having knowledge of it. I have to say it changes the way you look at salvation and its meaning. To experience something means to live it , I'm trying to understand what God's will for my life is, and give Him complete control of my life.   That of course is much easier said than done. But I'm trying and I feel like God is guiding me a little step at a time.
                Remember a couple weeks ago I was thinking of selling my car? I didn't go back and read what I had written, so I may repeat a little. Anyway I was trying to sell my car but wasn't really wanting to let go of it, you know clinging on to the old life as though it would help me feel better. Ha   So I gave up one day and told God I was giving it to him and He could do whatever He wanted with it.  I was thinking sometime in the future it would sell for a decent amount and I could use that money to buy some tools and things I needed to work around the shop and sell little odds and ends. That wasn't necessarily His plan. ; ) After I told God the car was His, within 1/2 an hour my sister called and said a friend of hers wanted to sell my car at his dealership and to get it over there in an hour. Wow when God wants something done He doesn't mess around. All I had to do is say ok Lord, and He did the rest. The guys name was Jerry. He told me that he would check out the computer problem and get back to me. Next day he said for 1800 dollars he could fix it and then take it to an auction in Seattle and get really good money for it. About 10,000 more than what I had figured. Yee haw I was so excited , I'm thinking to myself now that the Lord was rewarding me for giving up and letting Him have my car . Well back the truck up as they say. Proud heart before a fall, comes to mind about now. Jerry calls me the next day and tells me the 1800 dollars I just borrowed from my dear mom just burnt up when they turn the key on with the new computer installed . Well back to headspinning and misery, so what was the Lord doing ? At this point I'm confused and angry asking why. Next couple of days nothing , no word from Jerry no guidance from the Lord just misery. Why can't I learn patience?   Finally Jerry calls on friday and apologized , said he was in the hospital for a couple of days because of his severe diabetes. How can I be upset with a man almost dying from diabetes. I can't.   He said to call him on monday and we would meet because we needed to discuss the matters at hand. Oh great get my xanax bottle my nerves just went into hyper drive, then I remember oh yes I gave it to the Lord so why am I  freaking out. I'm such a slow learner.
                   Alright monday morning Jerry calls and says lets meet and 10. My sister and I head out not having a clue where any of this is going. Still full from breakfast at home , Jerry is buying us breakfast again so with my nerves on edge I go ahead and hork down another full breakfast. What is it with nerves and eating?  Jerry says we will get back the 1800 dollars , thank you Lord, and that the car had been stolen in california and after the insurance paid it off someone had bought it very cheaply and put a few things into and sold it for thirty thousand to some sap dumb enough to buy it.  There was actually a question in their minds as to why the car hadn't blown up in flames already. Nice very nice . My old boss is my hero.. How to make it simple? My boss traded 30,000 dollars worth of work for a car that was worth 2 or 3 thousand and gave it to me for the 60,000 thousand he owed me. Well it all worked out so nicely . At this point  it feels like the whole biscuit and gravy is stuck in my throat. Its Gods car now remember?  I keep telling myself its God's . Then I realize it really is His car and he has just completely protected me from a lawsuit if the car had burned. Thank you again Lord . Jerry will
 have the car traded to a place that knows about the problem and it will probably be parted out. In the mean time my sister will get a nice car to drive because hers was just totalled out a week ago and we were praying to God to help us get her a car.  So all in all it turned out better than we could have expected knowing the truth about it all.  But not the end of the story.
                    After I had washed down the biscuit Jerry asks me 'have you ever done any sales before"? I said I had and he wanted to know if I would want to work for him selling cars on the internet. Not my kind of job but I've been looking and praying that God would help me find a job. So I said sure I could do that I'm just not real good on a computer and haven't done sales in years and I have nerve problems , talk about a confident attitude. I'm scared ok......   So jerry says well what kind of work have you done . Construction I say.  Your just what I need Jerry says. I need a person who will work with me and the owner of many many car dealerships through the NW. You will just go to each dealership and tell us what needs paint, tile , shelves, fence, whatever. You will just hire the contractors and and get the work done. A mediator per say between the owner and contractor. Wow thats what I've done all my life. There goes my head spinning again, what if its to much for me , I haven't worked in a couple years, what if I do it wrong. Oh wait Jerry's talking again. How much do I want? Who me ? I don't know. How about a thousand a month. He is laughing at me now. He asks what I made in CA and I laugh nervously and say the amount. He didn't even blink. I think thats doable he said ,I just swallowed my napkin , kidding. He said he'd check with the owner and see what he says. Did I mention that I was scared ? Oh yes, so we head home my thoughts going a hundred miles an hour . I started praying Lord I'm scared if this is what I'm supposed to do you are going to have to just force it on me cause I won't be out there trying to get this kind of job.  Next morning bright and early dear Jerry is calling. He talked to the owner and he said 1500 dollars a month less than what I made in CA after 11years, but he would get me full insurance, medical,dental and eye care from the day I start. They will supply me with a vehicle of my choosing from the dealerships, I will be given a company credit card for gas food and anything I needed. I would set my hours, they don't care just as long as the work gets done. No more than 40 hours a week. Oh the kicker here is I have a meeting with the owner on tuesday to sign a contract for two years saying I will be paid for two year whether I work or am fire I would still get paid.
                              So here I am supposedly have a job to start soon with a possible 6 digit income and my jaw is dragging on the floor. Is this all coincidence. I don't think so . Am I worthy of some reward? Absolutely not. I don't know if this is all going to happen yet but I needed to vent it out.   Is it a miracle ? I would say 100 percent so. Whatever happens in the near future you will be the first ones to know.   If you want to experience God give everything to Him without reservation ( very difficult) and watch what happens . My story isn't close to finished but God has protected me and loved me even though I'm like a stubborn little child , I so glad He is patient with me. I praise Him from my heart. Not because I might get this job, but because He loves me and I truly feel that now.He is my protection from this world.   Another step in my life that God is drawing me nearer to him. I'm hoping to hear from someone else what God is doing in their life , big or small it is a awesome thing and sharing it with others will help people like me who get down and need to feel that encouragement. It means so much.    
                           God's love is great and His protection like a big warm blanket that keeps us safe.       Try it, you won't be disappointed   Until next time

What Right ?

             Today I have to say I feel more normal. Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. I am so happy to be surrounded by such a diverse crowd of friends that love the Lord. Every individual comes from a different background, different time in life , different depth of knowledge of God. Yet when I stop and listen to what each person says it makes me realize that each person can give me thoughts and ideas that are very different yet all a very relevant to growing in Christ. That is  being  part of the family of God . Right?  Makes me want to keep smiling. 

                     The awesome part of it is we can all have our differences and yet, as God as the center of our lives we can honestly talk to each other without fighting and picking at each other. Peter and Paul both talk about christians being known by their love. Yet so many of the so called christians I have met can be the most condemning , judgmental , unkind people I have ever been around. Why?  Then there is the true christians that are the kindest most loving people around.  So here I am not wanting to be judgmental ,wondering are all of these people really christians or not . I know its not for me to worry about.  Its up to me to be kind, not condemning. If someone comes to me with obvious sin in their life, according to the way I live my life,or my belief is it my job to condemn them and let them know what a failure they are? I don't think so, if God treats me according to the way I treat other people where is that going to put me? Not a good place.  I've heard it said that we aren't judging if we see it is not according to Gods word. So I have been a christian for two years and experienced the feelings of guilt over something I have done, does that mean the new christian I have just met should feel that guilt also, and if not are they condemned in Gods eyes. You tell me. Sure we need to have rules and guidelines , but how far can we go until we are adding to Gods word . What is the greatest commandment? Jesus said it  Love the Lord your God and love one another.  We must have faith and be born again,  we  must follow God's commandments , and bear fruit.  Basically we need to live a life crucified to this world and sin.  At  what point in my christian life then do I have the right to condemn others because they don't do things exactly like I do or believe.  I have two friends that I have known for many years . They both live very Godly lives and totally believe the way they live is the most scriptural way to live , but in doing so they would be condemning the other person to a point of saying they aren' t saved. So who is right? They both say they are and back it up with scripture. .My thought is they have both worked out their salvation with fear and trembling and totally love God with out a doubt and both are right as long as they don't lose sight of God because of their religion. Does that make sense? Who says who is right? I think only God can be that judge. I found that if I start studying in the Bible with a preconceived idea that I almost always end up making the scriptures fit what I want them to say instead of really looking at the whole picture. It is difficult to do , but very necessary as far as I am concerned to make sure I study with prejudices.

                            What it all boils down to for me is if we were put under some sort of persecution for what we believe the unity of Gods family would truly show itself then. The true christians would stand out like stars in the dark sky. So why can't we do that now, what are we afraid of , where is our love . Helping people is a great thing when it is done in the spirit of love but done in a spirit of condemnation or lack of love is quite possibly the most disrespectful, degrading situation a person can be put . To the point that a weak believer could easily lose their salvation. I would really hate to think of the consequences of such unloving actions. I just pray that God will help me to love in the way I can encourage people and make them want to follow my Lord and feel His love through me to them. I have a long ways to go in this perspective of life. So I am going to try to think of me being in their shoes  first and how I would feel if they treated me the way I have treated them.  As far as I can tell doesn't matter what we do in this life , without love it all means nothing to God.   I'm praying that I can learn to show love to others with out  judging. Even if their is obvious sin in their lives who am I to condemn them. I can encourage them to grow by example. And always stand for the principles that I have but not  in a condescending manner to the other person.  

           I truly think if I have God's love flowing through me I will not be out condemning people but showing them through love how to find God and He will accomplish His work in them. I know there is much more to this as far as teaching the Word but I have to start somewhere.  Why are a lot of christians the hardest people to work for?  Is it good stewardship or just love of money and possessions. For me its was about making sure nobody would ruin " my" stuff or not give me what I deserved.  The question I have now is what  do I deserve.  Death in the lake of fire  Right? But God gave His Son to die for me so I didn't have to die. Did I deserve that ,noooo,  Sorry I feel like I'm ranting because I feel like there is not much love passed around in christian circles and II am one of the worst. So pray that we can all learn to love like God wants us to love.  

                                          Until next time   God Bless

Saved or Not ?

   Its Tuesday are you all so excited?  I should be but instead I drag around like a boneless chicken.  What is wrong with me ?  I try to go to sleep around 11 and get up about 8 . Maybe to much rest?  I used to sleep 5 hours a nite and was fine. Now 8 or nine hours and before noon I want to take a nap. My driving makes mother very nervous. I went to sleep at the stop light the other day. After half dozen cars passed me, mom realized her lovely son was resting a little to long. Then every Starbucks became a destination point. Thinking enough caffeine will definately work. Well it didn't till I got home and ready to sleep.  I lay there wide eyed , staring at the ceiling.   My nerves wound tight as a string. Snooky decided that it would be wise to sleep on the other side of the room ,being he has a serious licking and smacking problem that doesn't bode well with bad nerves.
                   I'm hopeless , in three years I have become an old man.  I feel guilty because I should be happy . Happy about life. God loves me I think, problem 1.  I should be happy that I have a nice home to live in, instead I see all the things that were done only half way  or as cheap as possible  and now are falling apart, problem 2.  I should be so happy my mother is helping me financially  since I haven't worked in over two years , instead it makes me crazy that I have to use her money . I hate that. Problem 3 I have given away almost all the clothes I had bought in the last 5 or 6 years.  You know all the expensive brands. Actually I don't really miss them. Now I'm selling my car ,why? because I think I need the money and I feel its Gods will. I will explain that later once the sell is completed. . I miss my car , you know how when someone drives up in that fancy car and everyone stops to look, I understand why He took it away , so no one needs to tell me . Hahaha   Now I'll be rolling up in a minivan with my mom. Where does all this leave me ? Well really depressed because I don't know what going away next . I actually bought some clothes from Goodwill. I know you are all rolling your eyes , give me time  I'm learning.!!!   I know you are thinking he needs to go spend a couple years in the jungle and then he'd know what its like to do without. Maybe I should, I don't know but if God tells me to go I will, maybe not willingly but I will. Then on top of this I feel guilty, How many times should I confess.? Have I told everyone I was a sinner and I said I was sorry for my sins. Well if I haven't I just did. I know I have influenced a lot of people in my life and I wonder if thats why I still feel guilty. So I'm sorry to all the people I have had a bad influence on or treated badly .  Really one day I feel like I'm forgiven then the next day I'm right back to square one.
             Does anyone else feel this way? Maybe its that I don't have enough faith? I don't know.  so any help is welcomed. How do I know  if its just me trying really hard or when God is helping me. I have a hard time distinguishing between them. I'm guessing that wrong also.
             Sometime I feel like I'm going backwards. Could be I am clinically depressed. Thats what I need  more meds. Sorry for all the ugliness I said you were going to get it all . That you have my friends.  I do appreciate all the help and comments from all of you.  Someday I shall walk around and smile all day just because I can until then lets keep praying for each other and that God will send a real true revival to all of us . Get up and get out and tell someone. When was the last time you truly sat down and talked to someone about the Lord? I haven't in over a week. I'm sure the Lord is so proud, I must be really excited about Him........Life is going to get better!!!
                                   Pray my friends Pray       Until next time

Awe to Sleep or Not

 Its thursday already and I haven't written anything . Its much easier to write something when you don't need to. My life is just a series of ups and downs. Nothing really changes much just do the day to day motions of living and then sleep. Sleep is really underrated . Sometimes I feel like I could sleep for a month straight, and I would probably still be tired. I can sleep anywhere at any time. Driving, sit at the chiropractor office, talking to someone, reading, it really doesn't matter where I am at  I can sleep.
              Mom and my sister decided that I have sleep apenea and got me this wonderful contraption that you strap to your head and it pumps air into you. I can see how it could work , the problem is I can't find a way to turn the pressure down so after having it on for an hour or so I could inflate a couple tires on my own I have so much pressure. My head feels like its going explode , I guess thats why they put all the straps on the device. Not to hold it to your head, but to hold your head together. I put it on once and actually went to sleep for a few minutes , but when I did my mouth came open and I sounded like a jet engine with serious mechanical problems , Hissing and spluttering, my dog went to the other room. He wanted no part of what was going on with me.  So how can you sleep well at night ? I can't sleep on a bed its to soft so I sleep on the floor.
                     Other news of the day, my diet worked fairly good last week. I wasn't super careful  about what I ate but was careful not to eat in the evenings. I lost 5 pounds so I'm happy . Only a hundred pounds to go.
                    Yesterday I took my car into a consignment place to sell, Sad day but really no other choice, I need the money and don't have the money anymore to do the upkeep on it, I grudgingly told God its His to do whatever He wanted to do with it.  I keep reading that verse that says' seek ye first the kingdom of heaven,' I don't see how that car helped me do that , so hopefully it will sell soon and I'm going to go buy some tools . If thats His plan if not whatever His plan is. I'm committed now so its up to Him. I'm not crazy , well I'm pretty sure I'm not.  Patience thats what I need , I have no patience, I'm quite sure that God is telling me to wait so again I grudgingly do it. I'm like one of those really obstinate sons. No wonder I get a lot of discipline. My advice here is if God asks you to do something , big or small , just do it. Things will end up much better.
      I really wish there was a sign I would just read and know  what God wants, but as everyone knows that not the way it works. The way I'm starting to see it is the Bible is pretty clear what God's will is for me and what His purpose for my life is, so I'm going to try to follow that as well as I can and see if the rest falls into place.  Not exactly sure how thats going to work but I'm starting , car is one of the first things to go. Not much else left of my old life so I'll see where I get headed next. Oh man my sisters don't know about this one yet so they're going to be checking to see which screw came loose this time. Does anyone else think about this stuff or is it just me having to much time on my hands.
       I think I'm going to go prune so trees today, I watched how to do it on youtube so I'm excited to go hack up a couple apple trees. For some reason I'm guessing the video makes it look easier than it really is.   Yesterday and this morning when I got up there was a big bright light in a blue colored sky. Does anyone know what it is , if you get the light on you it feels warm.  The sky here is always gray and no bright lights.  : )
           Keep following God , don't be depressed for no reason, like me.   Life is really good , God is good.  I just make myself miserable.   I'll try to do better next time
                                 Love God, love everyone . See ya next time.

Knowing God or Experiencing Him ?

         I have been as you all know searching and trying to learn more about God . I'm really only getting started but, I'm thinking already that I need to rethink how I'm studying it. If I would have been like the Greeks back in the day I would study and learn everything about God that I could find and then say I know God . But would I really know Him or just have a knowledge of who He is ? As an example say a couple of boys are studying about fathers.   One boy with out a father  goes to school and learns what a father would do , how he acts , what he would require, and how he would love . Then says he knows the father.  Now say the other boy has a father and daily feels the love , the discipline , and the security that a father gives. Who do you suppose has a clearer picture of a father?  Simple  and I feel it has to be the same with God. All the studying in the world is not anything compared to a few minutes spent with our Father.  I need to personally experience God, I want to feel His love, His security, His compassion, and discipline. 

                     Not to say that studying isn't good, it is because of the studying that you can learn more of God. It is in the application of my studying that can bring me closer to Him.  Satan has a way of always being right there to mess things up though. Sometimes I can read the same verse a couple of times and can't remember what its about, because he gets my mind to wander. 

                      Seems like months now that I have struggled with knowing true love for God and others, Then prayer also, I can study , and still not know what true prayer is . I can't tell you what a struggle I had with this. As you know I have had a lot of things to deal with, and I'm so glad God's Spirit only reveals them to me a little at a time. If He would just drop them all on me at once I could never deal with it. But a little here and a little there, I can do that. I believe I'm beginning to experience God.  Feeling or experiencing God can come at strange times but always when I need it the most. A couple of night ago I woke up about 4 am , Couldn't go back to sleep even though I was very tired. I got up thinking I would go read something because me trying to read in the mornings is like taking a sleeping pill. I stood up and felt like I just kinda stuck in that position, Still half awake I was jolted into being fully awake. As I stood there I felt this incredible feeling of a presence with me . Not in the room but in me . I scared , I was happy , I realized it was God's way of letting me really experience Him . I can not describe the feeling but as I stood there I began to pray, I prayed and prayed, about  people I knew about people I didn't really know well at all , about situations , the words just kept coming and coming . I have never prayed like that in my life. I haven't felt a need for tears and emotions. But I'm telling you the tears started coming , I felt a joy I hadn't felt before. I wanted to jump up and tell the whole world and make them understand what they are missing , if they don't have God in their lives.  

                   I prayed for maybe 2 hours and it seemed like 10 minutes. It was unbelievable.  God is teaching me how to pray, I'm so excited I feel,like shouting . There was no sleepy time here. He made me stand up . It's hard to sleep when you are standing. He helped me know who to pray for. I thought we needed to be personally involved with a person or situation in order to know how to pray for them , now I don't think so because He helps you to know what to pray.  Where is the verse that says His Spirit teaches us to pray and sometimes prays for us when we don't know how.    Wow    All I can say is if you are praying and not feeling like its doing any good. Get to your Bible and start studying prayer. It takes time , experience what God has for you. I have been studying for 2 years and God is letting me experience things that are going to change my life forever.  

                      I want everyone to know what this is like . God is awesome. I am learning to love can you imagine?  Its like all the grime and dirt of the past are being washed out of here.  I don't know that much about all of it yet, but this I do know, if your a struggling in your christian life and in prayer, just stop for a while, study God's word and when you feel God speaking to you about something , DO IT. Not partially all the way.  It takes time. I have been so depressed the last couple months because of anger, bitterness, not forgiving, not feeling my prayers are working, it was all part of God helping me to learn.  Until I told God I would do whatever He asks of me , I was not ready to take the next step in my christian life.   

                             If I sound to overly full of joy and excitement and you think I need to settle down and stop shouting well I'm not sorry : ) Because I am full of joy and that is sooooooo much better than the alternative.   Thanks to all of you who are praying for me , its working  and please don't stop because I think God has a whole lot more and I'm jumping up and down  (in my mind of course) because I'm excited.  If your not excited why? 

              Experience God , see what happens to you.  Peace, love , and joy to all